It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
