one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
