You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This show inspires me to have sex in space
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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