Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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