I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
