Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
