That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
