Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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