i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
