My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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