Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
