at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
