I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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