life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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