From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
