dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You took a bar mat shot.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
