I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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