Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
