I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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