my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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