It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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