So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
