Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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