when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
