The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
