I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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