I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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