I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
