My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
