New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
two words...techno handjob
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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