was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
