If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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