Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
How external is "for external use only"?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
