Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
