12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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