I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
