She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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