I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Drake has all the answers
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
