i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I checked into jail on foursquare
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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