the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
