Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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