Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
