The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Come see our sink grown plant.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
