Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
