i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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