I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
