mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
