Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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