I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
