GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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