so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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