i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
