Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
