It's like a parade of train wrecks.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
We need to get me chipped asap
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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