I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
