11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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