my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
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