I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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