I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
