After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
