Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
