I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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